Ho! Ho! Ho!

Saturday, December 21 - not your run of the mill, 4 days before Christmas, Saturday. 

We had to get back to the hospital in the morning for those additional tests and we left the house with the kids in good hands. I was very confused upon entering said hospital because there seemed to be a lot of doom and gloom around me, not my style. I wanted happy faces. When I saw Dr. R. he very seriously (as in not smiling) told me I needed some more blood work so I sat down with a young technician. She wasn't smiling either and it was really starting to bug me. She seemed frustrated as she struggled trying to get the needle in my arm and she looked very, I dunno, somber. 

So, I jokingly said out loud, " Is someone dying around here?"

She did a double take, attempted a grin and I said, "Just kidding, jeez."

It's hard to sit and wait patiently for something when you have no idea what you're waiting for so we just made small talk about Christmas, the kids and whatever else came to us until my doctor came into the room with a very puzzled look on his face. He did not look happy. He said the blood tests showed my white count was extremely high and he didn't know anything for sure at that moment. 

And then he paused. 

Long, uncomfortable pause. 

I felt really bad for him because it was as if he didn't want to tell us something and I wanted to protect him from telling us so I just asked him. 

"So, what medical condition usually has a high white count?" 

He looked almost apologetic as he hesitated and then he said, "Leukemia." 

"But", he said, "we won't know until we run more tests."

KABOOM!

So.

Hmmm.

Hmmm.

Okay then.

I think my husband and I were both just stunned and we literally had nothing to say...didn't know how to respond. It was very strange. It's not like there was any confirmation of anything. It was just kind of a "might be" thing. In our minds. I think.

Dr. R. had to make some arrangements, find a specialist, do whatever doctors do in this situation so we went outside to get some fresh air. 

Elevator. 

Silence. 

Outside.

Breathe.

First words out of my mouth when we sat down were the following, "People die with leukemia."

It's funny, the first thing that comes to your mind when you least expect it. I said this because I had a flashback to the only other time I had heard of leukemia and yes, I am serious. I thought of the movie Love Story. It was written in 1970 and anyone who saw the movie remembers it because of the famous line, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." I saw the movie and read the book.

Well, at this particular moment of my life I thought of the movie because of only one reason.
 
[Spoiler Alert! The main character had leukemia and she died.]

I think I must remind you again that there was no internet in 1985, no information at your fingertips and no constant news stream. People didn't discuss things like cancer, the big C.

So we just kind of sat outside in silence not really knowing what to say. My husband needed to go inside to make a phone call and check on the kids. I think he needed to go somewhere else to get air on his own and so I sat there not knowing what to think but I did know that I was confused.

How the heck did I get here? What happened?