The Proof Is In The Pudding

We left the hospital on Saturday with directions and next steps in hand in a daze. There was no confirmation of anything other than an abnormal blood test. There were possibilities but that's all and that's what we were holding on to. It could be something else. You never know. Right? I had to go to a hematologist's office very early on Monday to try and get an appointment...for Monday. Holding out hope he could see me three days before Christmas. Fingers crossed.

The drive home was quiet.

Time to put on a happy face as we got back to our other reality, the one I really loved, of happy kids excited about Santa Claus making an appearance very soon. We still had so much to do for the big day...baking, shopping, decorating. I've always loved the Christmas season and I loved the traditions we'd started the first Christmas we spent together in 1980. I wanted them to go on forever.

Great thing about young kids is they keep you on your toes constantly and busy...very, very busy. And distracted, which for me was a good thing given the circumstances. I loved being a Mom. I honestly felt it was my reason for living, my purpose so to speak.

And there we were. The rest of Saturday and the whole of Sunday kind of in a dream like state. One minute laughing and playing with the kids and the next minute, mind wandering...again. If you can imagine yourself just starting to drift.

Mental dialog.

I wonder, "what if...", "if this then what...", or just a good old "WTF!!"

[Pause: You know what? In 1985 there were no abbreviations. It was just What The F#*k??? It was a gift. Wrapped up everything I was feeling in a neat little word and tied it with a bow. Not that I said it in front of the kids even though it was one of my favorite words. Although there was that one time when I'd had the day from hell and my youngest, who was probably 4 at the time, proudly told his Dad when he walked in the door after a hard day at work, "Hi Daddy. Guess what Mommy's been saying all day today? Shit, shit, shit. All day!" I don't remember denying it.]

Monday, day before Christmas Eve. Ha! Guess what?

The office is closed! Not what we expected or even guessed might happen. We had come prepared for next steps. Disappointed to say the least. What a let down. What's next?

C.L.O.S.E.D.

Come back tomorrow, early.

Christmas Eve

It was early and the doctor was in. Good news. He could see me immediately. It was another STAT procedure. He told me that I needed a bone marrow exam because of my abnormal blood counts and he prepared me for the exam. It was a very uncomfortable procedure to say the least but I've always been very proud of my threshold for pain and discomfort. [Refer to my December 10 post.]

We waited for him to do whatever he had to do. I don't know what it was but I'm sure there was a microscope involved because he was, after all, a hematologist. I can't say how long we had to wait for the results but it didn't seem too long.

And then it came.

"You have leukemia...leukemia...leukemia..."

"The only cure is a bone marrow transplant...transplant...transplant..."

"You have to take this drug...drug...drug..."

Weak jelly legs. Can't stand up. Gonna be sick. What is he saying? Can't hear. Can't understand.

But my kids. Oh no no no no. You don't understand.

Birthdays. School. Graduation. Wedding. Wedding. I can't miss my daughter's wedding. I know she's only seven but she'll get married and I need to be there. Don't you understand?

Noooooo...

I just can't. Do. This.

You know how people say in a moment their life flashes before them? Well it's true. That is exactly what happened to me and I can feel it like it was yesterday. All of those thoughts went through my head like lightening. Didn't say a word.

Funny that I don't remember that doctor's name. I remember all of the others over the years but not his and I wonder why that is. He did his job. He gave me the diagnosis, gave me a prescription and that was it. Another day at the office.

The drug I had to take, Hydrea was the only drug available in 1985 for CML and it scared the shit out of me. I hesitated for the longest time, holding that first pill in my hand struggling for another option but feeling helpless. Tired.

Gulp. Swallow. Gone. 

Happy sounds. Kids laughing. We all need to go shopping. Tomorrow is Christmas and we're all excited to be together celebrating. That's the life I love.

And so we went shopping.