And So It Begins

It’s a strange thing, the human body. When things aren’t working the way they’re supposed to and you don’t know why, you’re left in kind of a quandary. What are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to think? And can I just carry on…please?

I got a call from my doctor not too long after I’d been home. He wanted me to meet him at the hospital. He said my white blood cell count was pretty high and he wanted to run some more tests. This, of course, meant nothing to me and I called my really good friend (who just happened to be a nurse) to come over and watch my kids. My husband would meet me at the hospital. 

My friend was a true “go to friend” in every sense. Two of our kids were pretty much the same age and I would call her whenever I had a medical question. As a matter of fact I had called her to tell her about the pain earlier in the day and she very calmly convinced me to go to the doc.

So she came over and I was joking with her as I left. Her grandmother had recently died and as I was running out the door I thought it would be funny to make the following comment:

“Who knows, maybe you’ll have another funeral to go to. Ha!”

She understood my sick sense of humor and smiled.

After I closed the door I know I thought, “did I just say that?” Ha!

[Pause: You might be wondering why I didn’t just Google “white blood count” because that’s what most people would do today. I must remind you that it was 1985 and there was no Internet. I had to trust and rely on word of mouth.]

At The Hospital

So, the good news was I wasn't pregnant. No ectopic pregnancy. Nope.

The bad news was they didn't know what was wrong so they had to try and figure out what was causing the pain deep inside my abdomen. I needed to have an ultrasound and in order to have said ultrasound I had to drink more liquid without peeing than I think I had ever had any time before. Ever in my life. Major discomfort.

When my husband and I find ourselves in a situation that is kind of boring, in a public place, nothing to do really, we usually end up people watching which usually ends up a laughing matter. Which, if you know me, I love to do. Which is a good thing given these circumstances. Kind of. Except there was this matter of having an overflowing, bursting bladder. So given said circumstances there were many expletives that slipped out which was not unusual for me. I couldn't laugh.

I remember it took forever until I had the actual ultrasound and I was certain they would be able to tell me what the problem was so I was waiting for the "aha moment" from either the technician or the doctors (my doctor's partner was there now too). Puzzled faces. Nothing happened. Nothing showed up. Must run more tests. Crap.

"Can you please come back to the hospital in the morning?"

Yup, cause I just wanted to go home to my babies. It was late and we were all tired. The pain in my abdomen had lessened so things were looking up. I felt better. And it was the weekend. Tomorrow was Saturday, my husband would be home. Only five days until Christmas, one of my favorite days of the year and time to get really excited.

WooHoo!

Life Interrupted

It was a Friday like any other Friday really. Kids. Babies. School. Diapers. Christmas coming. Probably too busy to take a breath because I didn’t remember how to do that anymore.

Stop. Breathe.

Too much to do.

I felt this horrible pain sometime during the day and by the afternoon I was arranging to have someone at the house to watch the kids. I was off to the doctor. When I called my husband to tell him he almost dropped the phone. The doctor was something I just never did but this time I had to go.

Time seemed to fly by that Friday afternoon but when I think back I see it almost like a movie in slow motion. I’m standing outside of myself and watching me go through motions and reacting without time to think. I’m just in the moment. I haven’t had any symptoms of anything. At least I don’t think I have. I haven’t noticed anything. I’ve been busy with our two boys, 17 months and 3 years and our 7 year old girl. I’m a busy and happy mom and I love to work out and I don’t have time to get sick. It would be too inconvenient. These are my thoughts as I’m driving to the appointment. There are only five days until Christmas and I still have so much to do. Work out. I have to work out. It’s my saving grace, my sanity.

Come on. This sucks.

I’m the last patient of the day at my doctor’s office on the Friday before Christmas. Strange feeling. Very quiet. Empty office. Almost everyone has gone home. He examines me quickly. As he presses an area deep inside me I feel a pain like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Excruciating. I think I must scream and I grab his arm for fear of falling off the table. The pain makes me cry. He tells me he thinks I have an ectopic pregnancy.

I’m in a whirlwind and have no idea what to think. He wants me to have some blood tests immediately and I hear him phone the orders in.

STAT. Pause. Sounds important.

I go across the street to get the blood tests done and I’m in a hurry. I need to get home to be with my kids and get stuff done. He’ll call me with the results and next steps. I go home.

My kids.

My husband.

My life.

Milestone In My Life

Twenty five years ago this Christmas Eve I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. Terminal. What does that mean? A number. Closure. But not really. Not in my case. There was a doctor (or two) who told me I was terminal. Said I had three to five years to live. But here I am at a milestone in my life. Twenty five years.

At five year increments I’ve always thought I should write about it. I’ve started and then I’ve stopped because I wasn’t ever really certain anyone would be interested in my story. I’m not sure why that is because I’ve shared it with many people over the years and I know it’s helped in their struggles, whatever they might be. But now, at this milestone, I feel a need to write about my journey.

I will share as much as I can, be it sad, funny, silly, scary, angry, confused, whatever other emotions enter into the equation, in the hopes that it might help someone else on their journey.

Twenty five years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia and who the heck knows why??

Have You Ever Seen A Dragonfly Smile

The other day I was out in my yard looking at my fountain and two dragonflies surprised me. They looked like they were playing the way they were flying at and around each other but who knows what they were doing. Perhaps it was some kind of mating dance.

I was fascinated watching them and after one of them disappeared, the other just kind of hung around and I felt like it spoke to me. Call me crazy but I asked it to please stick around and I ran into the house and grabbed my “not so fancy” camera. Well, it did and this photo is the result of our meeting.

I had no idea what the image was like until I put it on my computer and I saw the smile, something I’ve never seen before.

Magic. Special. Nature.

Fancy that!